To sing or not to sing, that is the question...

So it's been awhile, but it's been a busy couple of weeks. Hurricane Lily (my mother) came to visit and while a blast, it always takes a little while to regain my equilibrium after she leaves! While she was here, we went down to NYC to see both "Gypsy" and "South Pacific," which were great. I have to admit I wasn't as big a fan of "South Pacific," but "Gypsy" was absolutely astounding. Not a weak performance on the stage, and Patti LuPone was beyond phenomenal. I feel like I was a witness to a legendary theater moment by watching her perform this role so masterfully. It was so wonderfully inspiring to see such a quality production, and really helped to reignite some of the fire into my own desire to perform.

That actually segues nicely into the main topic of discussion today. So, this weekend I auditioned and was called back for "Bat Boy The Musical," at a local theater where my friend Nancy is directing it. She directed me in my previous version of "Bat Boy" and I absolutely adored working with her and wanted to have the opportunity to do so again. This time, however, I was resolved that I would only take the role of Bat Boy. I had already played the only other role I was interested in before, and I felt like Bat Boy would provide a real opportunity to challenge myself as a performer. It came down to me and one other boy, also a Matthew, and while he's a young performer and a little rough around the edges he was pretty talented. Nancy was very kind to email me personally that same evening to let me know she had decided to cast the other Matthew. Her email was very thoughtful, and I wrote her to thank her for the opportunity and told her the truth, namely that I am positive we'll work together in the future.

That said, my fall suddenly opened up. And here's the craziest thing - I was so happy! By the time "No, No, Nanette" had finished, I was so ready for it to be done. I know that the Reagle schedule and the pace of the process was particularly intense - 4 weeknights and all weekend - and I know I was just burned out by the end. I was just looking forward to a little bit of time off to regain my bearings.

So, last week, I sat down to work out my schedule for "Little Shop Of Horrors," which I'm choreographing at Canton High. That show will pretty much be a cakewalk, as it's not a dance-heavy show at all, so I really knew there wouldn't be a huge problem if I were to do another show. But, when I started putting down that schedule and inserting potential "Bat Boy" rehearsals into the mix, I saw a schedule where I was again out 6 nights a week. It was at this moment that I really was wondering just how busy I wanted my fall to be, which is very unlike me. I just felt that familiar feeling of the burnout return as I thought about the potential schedule, and I seriously began to reconsider auditioning. I finally made the decision to at least go for it and see where the chips landed, and I'm glad that I did. I would have always wondered, I think, if I didn't at least go out for the role.

But, once I received that email from Nancy, after the initial shock and disappointment, all of a sudden I was filled with a profound sense of relief. Just knowing that I would only be out twice a week and for rehearsals that are short, easy, and I'm in control of was such a wonderful prospect. It was then I realized that I had basically been jumping from project to project with out much of a break for almost two years now, and I found myself really and truly looking forward to the break. In the end, I think it worked out well to have the decision made for myself. I don't know that I would have had the wherewithal to make that call for myself.

But, this newfound freedom and flexibility now brings with it other questions. I woke up this morning and my head was reeling with the thoughts of everything from the weekend, and one thing I realized was that I had been using theater in large part as an excuse to not examine and make some decisions about my life.

First, is the question of how theater fits into my life moving forward. I made the decision after "Pippin" that I wanted to be pickier with my projects. I really wanted to focus on theater experiences that looked like they would be really good, strong productions - Equity shows, working with directors or companies that I know/know of and trust. I didn't want to continue going out for shows because there was a role I wanted to play just to find out the production is really not going to be that good. I just ended up being dissatisfied when I did that, and I decided that even if I didn't work as often, that was not the experience I wanted to have with theater. But, beyond this decision to only work on more professional-quality projects, I am also faced with the larger question of how I want it to fit into my life in general. It's a very time-consuming and emotionally invested hobby, and it has had definite repercussions on both my social life and my professional life. I have a wonderful situation at work now to be able to do theater, but the question comes, if I'm looking to the future - a house, a family, etc. - I'll probably need a job that pays more than I'm making right now, and that means a job that will likely not have the same amount of flexibility or provide me the opporunity to do theater, at least at the same level if at all!

The decision to potentially give up theater is a huge one, since theater has been the one constant in my life from a very young age, and the thing I look forward to the most in my day. But, lately, just going to rehearsals felt like a chore, which is very unlike me. I wasn't sure if it's just because I was burned out on the "Nanette" schedule, or if I was really just getting to a point where my love for theater was begining to wane. I think this break will be a great opportunity to explore this - if I get through this period and am reenergized and chomping at the bit to do a show, then I'll know that what was happening was just an oversaturation.

This still doesn't mitigate the ultimate question, which it really how, or even if, theater fits in my life moving forward. That's another question I hope to answer for myself this fall, as I finally take the time to make some decisions and evaluate life priorities.

So, stay tuned as I explore this uncharted territory called "free time" and begin looking at the bigger picture!